Uh You Know, Wendesday

Here is your market news wrapup for March 14th, 2008. And remember to wrap the market in only the finest satin cloth...

Carl Icahn wants your Lunch Money Too
Okay, so now Carl Icahn has taken it upon himself to get all proxilishish (definition: being all proxy-war like) and try to force Yahoo to fill its boards with his yes men all so the Microsoft loving can commence (Microsoft has a big crush on Yahoo and wants to, you know, merge).

Crusty Carl is the kind of guy who buys a stake in your business and then tells you how to run it. And you have to listen to it because his hands are made of chainsaws. True story. Man has chainsaw hands. How you gonna fight that I say? How?

Merril l Lynch Makes Half-Assed Attempt at Being Reasonable
Merrill Lynch, the big stock-selling company you've probably seen on television, has recently said that it will revamp its stock rating systems so that 20% of its rate-worthy stocks are rated as a sell (it used to be 5%). Since some geeks estimate that 37% of stocks fall every year, this means that Merrill is inching a little closer to reality.

I have no idea what would convince a company to be so forthright and earnest, but I'm guessing it wants to raise money in a market that offers many doubtful and uninspired stock buyers. Or maybe it was just tired of being full of shit.

Really, who can say?

I'm in Murders and Executions
Delta and Northwest, two airlines companies (I say like you don't know), agreed to merge after their respective pilot unions came to agreements on seniority, pay, weekly hours, routes and uniform style.

Another Geek Phone is Coming
Linux has agreed to work with Verizon phone company to create a phone that has linux on it so nerds can get all linuxy (I have no idea what Linux does).

House Gives Away $290 Billion
The US government decided to give away 290 billion dollars in food programs, 30 billion or so of which will go straight to corn growers who are having a rough time in this year of record high corn prices.

Sometimes I wish I could just resign from reality.

A Robot Led an Orchestra
Honda makes it. And it's a robot. And it conducted and orchestra. And really I fucking quit. Some people just have too much money.

Okay Seriously, No Wonder the World Hates Us
A website has been launched called Coolspotters.com and it specializes in helping people find products that were used or worn by celebrities in TV and movies. I cannot tell you how much I wish I was making that up. And you know what's worse? I think the damn site has a good chance of making it.

I'm sending my letter of resignation to Carl Icahn. He'll know what to do with it.