The Market had Another Tuesday

And now, your market news highlights for Tuesday, May 13th. Don’t act like you didn’t want ‘em.


Congress Pouts, Cries and Threatens
Our representatives in government, who know everything about business because they don’t do anything all day, passed a law that restricts the stock-piling of emergency US oil in an effort to see just how little restricting our stockpiling can offset the serious increase in international oil demand. Or, in simpler terms, they just threw out about one penny of your fiscal suffering. What humanitarians. Oh, and get this, they’re threatening to hit the Mideast where it hurts. You know it. Right in the gun.

Some senator dude whose name I will never learn because screw him said, “If Saudi Arabia and other OPEC countries do not increase production, we in congress will block their lucrative arms deals.”

Wow. That’s all it took to get the government to get within seventy-five miles of an anti-war stance? $4 at the pump. I figured they could hold out for a few more years before they stopped funding war. Goes to show you never know and all that.

HP buys EDS, Analysts Defecate on Deal
Hewlett Packard bought Electronic Data Systems for many billions of dollars lower than its assets and still many market analysts did not agree with the deal because merging the two clumsy and cumbersome companies will take a long time and will be very difficult. When asked for comment, HP CEO Mark Hurd said, “Bite me. I can make anything happen. I’m Mark Hurd for Vishnu’s sake. Oh yeah, and blow me.”

And I Thought Italians were all about Love
An Italian defense company bought American defense company DRS because hey, what are the odds of us ever going to war with Italy? Again.

Spokesmen assured everyone that everything was fine and that Americans would be employed by DRS so just mellow out. Besides, it’s just Italy. Seriously, they’re practically the US’s second cousin. I’m sure everything will be fine.

Maybe.

Probably the Least Shocking Study Ever
Abbott’s Labs paid a college to run a study comparing its stent to the competition's stents and shockingly, Abbott's were found to be the best. Oh yeah, and shares rose. I’m sure that was just a coincidence though.

Her Name was Solar
The solar energy subgroup blew up like a hand grenade in a lava spill on increased earnings and news that the American government is increasing their free money (subsidies). Pretty much all of them did okay but the most surprising to me was Canadian Solar, not because of the huge gain though, but because I just found out they're a China based company. Oh, Stock Market, you ironic little jokester, you.

And now you may be wondering if I'm going to write about market action today. I will not. It always takes me a day or two to figure stuff out. I'm a busy guy, what can I say?